Success in Marriage
WHEN ‘Abdullah ibn ja’far’s daughter was about to be married, he gave her this piece of advice: ‘O my daughter, avoid being haughty or making a prestige issue of anything, for both are keys to the lock of divorce. Avoid anger and discontent too, for they engender malice.’
This is the best counsel a father could give his daughter at the time of her marriage. After the wedding, she goes to live in another’s home. Now, instead of living with her own kith and kin, she is under the roof of people with whom she had no blood relationship. Where, in her parents home, displays of anger or arrogance, or other shortcomings, were overlooked by her parents and siblings, it is a very different story in her in-law’s home, where even the smallest of errors may cause her to fall from grace.
The in-laws do not have the same soft corner for her that comes naturally to her parents. In the new house, every action sets off a reaction. There, overweening pride cannot just be ignored, and no one is willing to forget the slightest misdemeanor.
The only way that a new bride can make things easier for herself is to adjust to her new environment. She should avoid doing or saying anything which could possibly invite an unpleasant reaction. It also helps if she is tolerant of things which are not to her liking and, if someone’s behavior is contrary to what she expected, makes allowances for this and refrains from brooding over it. This is the only way for a girl to make a success of her life in her new home. No other course possible.
It is an unwise father who teaches his daughter to be assertive in her in-law’s house in the mistaken belief that this ill give her the upper hand. A wise man would tell his daughter to adopt a conciliatory stance. The success or failure of married life depends entirely upon the bride’s willingness or unwillingness to adapt.
TWO EXAMPLES
Two opposite cases come to mind. One is of a daughter who, being the apple of her parent’s eye, never did even the most trifling of household chores. She just idled away her time. After her marriage, she made no attempt to change her ways. But this was not acceptable in her in-law’s house. There were sharp differences over her behavior and when bickering became a daily affair, her carefree life came to an end.
She now found herself with a whole new set of problems. Even so, she did not care to practice introspection. She always blamed her in-laws. One day, after fighting with them, she came back to her parents with a sorry tale. But she only told them her own side of the story, with no mention of how she herself had behaved: she talked only of how she had been treated. She did not tell them that whatever treatment she had received was the result of her never taking any interest in the household affairs. She had, in fact, never looked upon her in-law’s house as her own home. To her, home was her parents’ house, even after she was married. Unaware of this, her parents became very critical of the way their daughter had been treated.
Like most other parents, they were quite credulous about everything she told them, and, supposing their own child to be in the right, put the entire blame on the in-laws. This led to their becoming entangled in a long feud. The ensuing mental agony took its toll. The girl fell sick, and after a prolonged illness, succumbed to tuberculosis. Thus, ended her unhappy life.
The other is the case of a wise woman. Initially, she found herself in an unhappy situation in her in-law’s home because of her unattractive appearance. At first, this was discussed behind her back, but soon she had to suffer the humiliation of open insults from the women of the household. This was very hard on her, but she refrained from telling her parents about it, having decided that she would completely ignore unsavory comments. Instead, she privately resolved to be helpful to the others, and voluntarily took over all of the household work. She cared for the needs of every member of the family and made sure that no one had any reason to complain against her.
This was the beginning of a long and trying period. It took not months, but years for things to change. But finally, a stage came when she was the most popular member of the family, having earned everyone’s affection and respect. No better than a maid when she had arrived, she had now become the virtual mistress of the house.
The secret of a successful marriage is the ability to forge bonds of loyalty. Such bonds come into being quite naturally with one’s own parents, brothers and sisters. They are so strong that they can never be broken. There can be no doubt about this. But similar bonds do not exist in the in-law’s house. They have to be established. The only solution for the new bride entering her parents-in-law’s home is to transfer her loyalty to all of the people to whom she is now related by marriage. When she says ‘my home’ it should mean her new abode.
The focus of her attention should now be her in-laws, from whom she should seek support, rather than from her parents. She must become a part of the family and have everyone’s well-being at heart. Experience teaches us that this is the way to make a success of married life.
GUARANTEED SOLUTION
It is undeniable that happiness in marriage is closely linked with awareness. Awareness can make a marriage. Its absence can mar it.
If it were given any serious thought, it would become evident that trouble with the in-laws is a problem created by default. It is also more imaginary than real. Unfortunately, ours is not an aware society. And we are paying the price for that in different ways. One of them is the increasing discord between brides and their in-laws.
Certain historical factors have caused the members of our community to live in a world of make-believe. They are ignorant of the realities of life, and, because of this lack of awareness, they are suffering for it in every walk of life. Marital problems are part of this inheritance.
The parental home is a haven where a girl receives natural affection. The in-law’s home is a place where, by her own efforts, she has to create a niche for herself. A daughter, being the flesh and blood of her parents, will be loved by them, regardless of whether she is good or bad, whether she is a source of worry or happiness, whether she works diligently or just idles away her time.
Things could not be more different in the in-law’s home. There she has no blood relations and must, therefore, prove herself worthy of affection by the way she conducts herself. There, affection has to be a two-way affair, unlike in her parental home, where affection was unconditionally assured.
For a girl, marriage is like undergoing a long series of tests. At first, she feels like a fish out of water. But, if the parents have been wise and forewarned her of possible pitfalls, she will be mentally prepared to cope with new challenges. This will make it easier for her to adapt to the new situation. It is only if the girl is both intelligent and willing to adapt that she can learn how to do this by herself.
A girl with intelligence and/or wise parents will have few problems in marriage. For her, entering wedlock is no more complicated than changing her habits of dressing with the change of season. She establishes a position of respect for herself through her own exemplary conduct.
Problems are bound to arise when the girl is lacking in intellect and the parents are also ignorant. The position is further aggravated when the girl does not consider the new home to be her own and is, consequently, not regarded as a member of the family into which she has married. What she suffers, as a result, is self-inflicted. What is actually at fault is her own poor understanding of what is required of her as a daughter-in-law, but she very conveniently blames all her misery on her in-laws.
As the old adage has it, “Every parent is foolish when it comes to his own children.” When girls go to the extreme of complaining about imaginary wrongs, parents tend to take their stories quite literally. And that is how feuds are started. The outcome is always unpleasant for the one who starts it, and the girl, being of the weaker sex, is always the loser.
Why is it that a girl’s complaints about her in-laws do not always appear to be based on fact? It is because they present only one side of the case. The very fact that only one side of the story has been told means that it is lacking in veracity. Does a customer have any right to complain that a shopkeeper has not delivered the goods, when he himself has not paid for them? If a girl looks at her problems without bias, she will realize that balancing up the two sides of the question is really the crux of the matter. If she does not deliver what the in-laws expect, she cannot expect to get what she wants either.
The truth is that the in-laws house is a place where one learns the secret of living. It is only when the girl is no longer under the protective cover of her parents that the facts unravel. Then the reality of the in-law’s home makes the parental home seem like an illusory world. Any girl who fails to learn this secret is bound to have an unsatisfactory married life, while the girl who comes to terms with reality can look forward to an untrammelled life of wedded bliss.
THE JOINT FAMILY
These days girls consider living in a joint family a problem. They would much rather live elsewhere with their husbands. Educated girls in particular try to convince their husbands that they, as a couple, should live separately after marriage. On the face of it, this appears to be a good idea. But often the initial charm wears off, and they feel that their situation is worse than if they had opted for the joint family system. I have seen many girls who managed to wean their husbands away from their parents. But then after living alone for some time, life became so burdensome for them that it seemed little better than a treadmill. In a joint family, a woman makes only psychological sacrifices, whereas in a nuclear family it is her whole existence which is sacrificed. The latter is much more difficult than the former.
`Making an assessment of the woman’s role in western society, Arnold Toynbee wrote: “Middle-class woman acquired education and a chance at a career at the very time she lost her domestic servants and the unpaid household help of relatives living in the old, large family; she had to become either a household drudge or carry the intolerably heavy load of two simultaneous fulltime jobs.”206
It is because girls are upset by certain unpleasant aspects of joint family living that they opt for living alone with their husbands. Such decisions are emotional. If only they worked half as hard in the joint family situation as they did when living alone with their husbands, their lives could be considerably more comfortable and convenient.
Life is never free from troubles. It is only by handling it intelligently that we can lessen them. Living with others certainly has its problems, but they are far fewer than one experiences when living separately. Wisdom lies in opting for the easier course.
MENTAL WORRIES
What can become a major domestic problem is the presence of stepchildren. The very existence of children from a previous wife can cause such estrangement of the husband and his new wife, that it can lead to the ruination of the family.
It is natural for a woman to love her own child, and as soon as she becomes a mother, her whole attention is focussed on the new-born baby. This is the beginning of the problem. The children of the previous wife start to feel they no longer have any place in their own home. The undercurrent of tension mounts, leading to a situation which is disastrous for all concerned.
A child who has his own mother to stand by him and show him affection feels safe and secure. But the orphaned child, the stepchild, is never sure of his ground. Unless his stepmother gives him constant reassurance in the form of interest and affection, he is bound to feel neglected and humiliated. It is the feeling of humiliation which becomes the most problematic in a joint family. But there is a simple solution to this imbroglio. The stepmother must realize that some restraint must be shown in her display of love for her own off-spring—something which will do them no harm, because they are already secure in the knowledge that this is their own, real mother—and she must also learn to be more effusive in displaying affection for her stepchildren. And then, whatever the circumstances, keeping her emotions under control and showing unfailing courtesy at all times helps to prevent any possible misunderstanding.
We have a real-life example in the second marriage of Maulana Syed Sulayman Nadwi207 to Salima Khatun (1905-1986). When he married her in 1923, he already had a son by his first wife, called Abu Suhayl. Whenever Salima Khatun wrote a letter to someone, instead of signing off with her own name, she would write “mother of Abu Suhayl” in the traditional style. Later she had four children of her own, but there was no change in her attitude. She continued to be “mother of Abu Suhayl.” Her own son, Dr. Salman Nadwi,208 is a famous personality, but she never referred to herself as “mother of Salman.” She was a deeply religious lady. She outlived her husband by 34 years, but her old ways did not change.
This trait was reflected in all aspects of her dealings. Quite naturally she must have been very fond of her own children, but she did not make it obvious. The result was that Abu Suhayl got along well with his stepbrothers and sisters as if they were his real brothers and sisters. There was never any tension in the family.
Ninety percent of domestic problems are psychological in nature and ought to be dealt with as such. Whenever a mother-in-law has a complaint, she should ask herself if she would have complained if her daughter had done the same thing. Similarly, a daughter-in-law should do some soul-searching, putting her mother in place of the mother-in-law.
If they seriously think about it, both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will find that their differences do not have any solid basis in fact. Most of their complaints are imaginary and as such, should never find expression in Word or deed. They deserve to be confined where they originate, i.e. in the mind.
206. Time, March 20, 1972.
207. A noted scholar. After the death of ‘Allama Shibli Nu’mani, he completed the remaining five volumes of Sirah an-Nabi. He died in 1953.
208. He is now the professor of Islamic Studies at the University of Durban in South Africa and has written several books.
