The Rights of Husband and Wife
The Quran states: “They (women) are your garments. And you (men) are their garments.”1 These words from the holy scriptures define how men and women relate to each other—like body and its garments. Without garments a body is meaningless, and without a body garments are meaningless. The two must go together, for apart they have little reason to exist. This symbolizes the closeness of the two sexes in the material and. spiritual senses.
How beautiful a bird appears with its feathers, but if all the feathers are to be removed, it would be totally disfigured. The importance of the feather to the bird is similar to the importance of the garment to a man. A man without a garment is just like a bird without its feathers.
This example of garments shows the great importance men and women have for each other, (or, without each other, they are incomplete. They are the closest of companions—a relationship which is both natural and inevitable. Each derives strength from the other, and each act as a shield for the other. They are described by a commentator of the Quran as “fitting into each other as a garment fits the body.”2 Men and women were created to find sexual attraction in one another. The Quran makes this point in these words:
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has
put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect.3
It is in the context of this natural relationship that men and women are attracted to each other. This attraction finds expression in the free mixing of men and women. But this goes against the human grain. A man would normally want whatever belonged to him to be reserved for him alone. Free sexual relations are therefore at variance with human nature.
It is often said, with justice, that man is a social animal. But more important is the fact that man is an ethical animal. There may be a physical resemblance between human beings and animals, but, from the moral standpoint, man is in a class by himself, animals knowing none of the self-imposed, ethical constraints which govern human lives. It is this ethical sense in man and other civilizational demands which require members of the opposite sex to refrain from establishing free sexual relations. The natural urge to procreate must, according to the shari’ah, be confined within the bond of wedlock. Men and women are enjoined by the shari’ah to marry (barring certain close relations) and to lead a family life. The Quran says:
Except for these (prohibited) all others are lawful, provided you seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property, desiring chastity not lust.4
Sexual attraction between men and women is the result of a natural biological urge. It was to give this relationship legal sanction that the institution of marriage (nikah) was established. Human psychology, biological realities and social considerations all demand that sexual relationships between men and women should be regularized and placed on a stable basis. And for such organization, there is no better solution, than marriage. The human way is the way of marriage: free mixing is inhuman.
LIFE PARTNER
What fundamentally determines the rights and duties of men and women in the roles of husbands and wives is the fact that they are partners for life. This basic principle is derived from the verse of the Quran which says that men and women are part of one another.5
In this respect the difference between the tenets of modern civilization and the rulings of the shari’ah is that the former hold men and women to be equals, while the latter hold men and women to be lifelong partners.
It is this difference which shows that the two systems are poles apart.
A RELIGION OF NATURE
Islam being a religion of nature, its teachings are based on simple principles of nature. When these principles are earnestly adhered to, the family becomes a cradle of peace and amity.
Many details have been formulated by the jurists of Islam regarding the relationship between men and women. Here we are not concerned with legal details. I would like here to state only those basic principles which are laid down in the Quran and the Hadith, which serve as the basis of the Islamic way of life. (Legal details are available in all the standard books, which may be consulted by anyone who is interested in the legal aspects of marriage.)
THE POSITION OF MAN VIS-A-VIS WOMAN
When a man and a woman enter into the marital bond, they bring into existence a social unit called the family. Like any other social unit, this requires an organizer or supervisor. For this special role, Islam has chosen man.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has made some of them to excel others, and because they support them from their means.6
Making man the maintainer in no way indicates that man is superior to woman. This choice is based on man’s capacities for management rather than on his superiority. In a democratic system, everyone has been granted an equal status yet when a government is formed, one particular individual is entrusted with supreme political power. This does not mean that this possessor of power is superior to other citizens. In a democratic system, the president or the prime minister has one vote like all the other citizens. Even then, in the interest of good management authority is entrusted to a single individual.
Except for man’s role as manager, man and woman have completely equal status. For instance, if a woman kills a man, and the crime is proved, the woman will be required to pay the penalty (Quran, 2: 178). Similarly, as a hadith tells us, if a man kills a woman, after the crime is proved, “Verily the man will be killed for having killed a woman.”7
There is no legal discrimination in the eyes of the shari’ah between woman and man. The laws applicable to men are also applicable to women.
DOWER
After nikah the first obligation upon a man in regard to his wife is to give her the mahr fixed at the time of marriage:
And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift.8
The mahr is in no way a payment for conjugal rights. Conjugal rights are far too precious to be equated with what is normally given as mahr. The amount of mahr is, in actual fact, a token sum of money, which symbolizes, in material form, the responsibility that a man has to fulfill in regard to his wife till his last breath.
What is this responsibility? It is that man will maintain and protect his wife for life. In the family organization the shari’ah has basically entrusted the woman with looking after the house, bringing up and training the next generation. This task is not a profitable one. That is why a woman’s maintenance is entrusted to her husband. If a woman had to shoulder both the responsibility of looking after the house as well as making money, she would not be able to perform either of the two duties properly. That is why her economic maintenance has been entrusted to her husband so that the proper upkeep of the home and family is guaranteed. At the beginning of marital life, a man makes this pledge symbolically by giving the woman a sum of money in the form of mahr.
MAINTENANCE
The specific monetary form of the symbolic pledge is called “maintenance.” Each office brings with it a responsibility, that of a man being the upkeep of his wife.
In the home, man is the protector (the head). This is because
man is by birth the stronger sex in the physical sense. This in no way means that he is superior to woman in the absolute sense. Whatever superiority he has relates only to those traits which make a man deserving of the office of maintainer. The wording of the above mentioned verse (4:34) means that everyone is superior to others in some particular respect. The distinguishing features required for becoming a maintainer (qawwam) are more numerous in men than in women, that is why he has been selected as the qawwam of the house. Conversely, the distinguishing features required for maintaining the home, for the bringing up and training of new generations are more numerous in women than in men. It is due to this kind of superiority in women that they have been entrusted with the internal affairs of the home.
A woman has a legal right to maintenance, which devolves upon her husband. If he fails in this regard, the woman can receive it through the court. The amount of maintenance will, however, be fixed in relation to the man’s means. If his income is low, the amount of maintenance will be reduced, and if it is high, the rate of maintenance will go up.
PROPER BEHAVIOR
Man has been bound at all events to treat women kindly:
Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing and God brings about through it a great deal of good.9
This shows that man has been bound to behave gently with women not only in pleasant, but also in unpleasant circumstances. This is an absolute injunction applying to all situations. A man has to be kind to his wife, whether or not she is to his liking.
The injunction on gentle behaviour with women is so important that this is held to be the essential condition for having more than one wife. That is the permission to have more than one wife is given only to those who can treat all of them with perfect justice. The Quran says: “But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one.”10
The Quranic injunction of “gentle behavior”11 covers all those things human nature demands, and whatever is considered necessary, by reason or by the shari’ah. This fair treatment is considered so important in Islam that the Prophet said: “The best among you is one who is best for his family.”12
THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A WOMAN AS A WIFE
How should a woman or a wife live with her husband? This has been instilled into the woman by nature itself. If a woman is of a really serious cast of mind, her inner nature will suffice to guide her in this matter. This has been expressed in the following verse of the Quran:
Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what God would have them guard.13
The responsibilities of woman as regards man described by the Quran and sunnah are in complete accord with this feminine nature. If a woman’s nature is alive and she wishes to lead her life as a realist, she will not find any strangeness in the teachings of Islam; rather she will accept them as if they were the voice of her own heart. Here I would present these teachings of Islam in brief under different headings.
OBEDIENCE
The Quran says that “the righteous women are devoutly obedient.”14 The word qanitat (obedient women) has been interpreted by ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Abbas as meaning women who are obedient to their husbands.15 That is, the righteous women in the eyes of God are those who are obedient to their husbands.
It is natural for a man who has been entrusted with the maintenance of family life to expect obedience from his wife. Without that, the division of labor would be meaningless. The husband is just like the ruler of a country who can function as such only when the public is ready to obey him. In the face of public disobedience, even the best of rulers will have no control over the running of the country.
The same is also true of the internal workings of the home. The home is the basic unit of the vaster organization of the nation. It is only when the smaller units are in order, that the larger unit can function successfully. It is, therefore, absolutely essential that the home should be marked by an atmosphere of obedience and conformance. Of course, the woman enjoys the right to dissent and to give advice. But once the man has come to a decision, it becomes incumbent upon the woman to abide loyally by that decision.
Having more experience of the outside world, a man is somewhat more broad-minded than a woman. His thinking is more realistic. A woman’s thinking, on the contrary, is often marked by limitations. She easily falls prey to emotion. She inherits this as part of her nature, and so far as her sphere of home-based activity is concerned, her limitations or emotions are in no way a deficiency. However, a woman must be aware of her natural shortcomings. She can advise the man, but inflexible insistence on her part is not proper.
The system of the house is similar to a miniature democracy. But every democratic system has a leader. And according to shari’ah the leader of the democracy at home is the man.
THE GUARDING OF THE SECRET
Another right of man over woman has been described in the Quran in these words: “... and guard in (the husband’s) absence what God would have them guard.”16
Woman is man’s garment. Just as a garment is closest to man so a woman is closest to man. A husband and a wife are the only companions between whom there is no secret even of hidden parts.
Due to this close relation a woman comes to have access to all of man’s secrets. She comes to learn the most private and concealed facts of his life. This is a delicate state of affairs. Every man has his secrets. He dislikes their being brought to the knowledge of others. But a man cannot hide these things from his wife. So, he makes no effort to do so. Such an attempt would neither be useful nor practically possible.
The solution offered by the Islamic shari’ah is to make it binding upon the woman to guard the man’s secrets. In no circumstances may she reveal them to others. If she shows carelessness in this regard, she should fear God for revealing her secrets to others. If God unveils her in the next life, no one will ever be able to come to her rescue.
It is a fact that when two people live together, it is inevitable that differences and complaints will arise. Keeping this fact in mind, the Quranic injunction on the guarding of man’s secrets specifies that, even if a woman bears her husband a grudge it will still be unlawful for her to reveal his secrets. Even if she has differences with her husband, she is not at liberty to disclose to others matters which he wishes to have kept in strict confidence.
A woman is man’s secret-keeper. She is bound to remain so till the end of her days.
THE MANAGEMENT OF THE HOME
Addressing women, the Quran says: “Stay in your homes.”17 The commentators of the Quran have explained that in this verse a woman’s staying at home means that her sphere of activities should be her home.18
In modern times a woman has become an external showpiece, whereas according to the scheme of Islam a woman should stay at home and look after the internal responsibilities. Housekeeping, family requirements, management of all affairs at home, looking after the children—all are the woman’s responsibility: “staying at home” covers it all.
Looking after a home is like looking after a state, even if it is on a much smaller scale. It is certainly as important and respectable a task as that carried out by a head of state: a woman should, therefore, engage herself in domestic affairs with the same zeal and energy as a genuine head of state, devoting her full potential to making her home an ideal one. She should nurture and cherish it as a gardener does his garden. As one of the hadith puts it: ‘The woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and she is accountable for it.’19
Proficiency in domestic matters is woman’s greatest ornament. A woman so equipped is the perfect woman, one deserving of honor and success in the life hereafter.
THE BEST WOMAN
Prophet Muhammad was once asked who of all women was the best. He replied, “One who makes her husband happy when he sees her, who obeys her husband when he asks her for anything and who does not do anything against his will as regards either herself or his wealth.”20 This hadith very aptly points out a woman’s duties towards her husband.
After facing the hardship of the outside world, the man comes back home. Now the best wife is one who can bring him comfort and cheer. She should become a regular source of solace to her husband. Even when, on occasion, he asks her to do something without explaining all the pros and cons, she should—if she is a successful life partner—create no trouble over this at home, but do her utmost to see that her husband’s plans come to fruition. Her husband should also be able to trust her personally in her conduct, and rest assured that all his belongings will be properly looked after by her. The loyal wife then becomes the husband’s trustee in the fullest sense of the word.
As well as being a comfort to her husband, she has to act as his deputy at home. The best kind of woman is one who fulfills both these responsibilities. There is a hadith which very aptly says: “Of the worldly goods, there is nothing better than a virtuous wife.”21
GIVING IMPORTANCE TO THE INWARD
RATHER THAN THE OUTWARD
On the subject of their wives, the Quran enjoins men: “Treat them with kindness; for even if you do dislike them it may well be that you may dislike a thing which God has meant for your own good.”22
The same point has been made in a hadith: “No believing man should hate a believing woman. Even if he does not like one of her habits, another of her ways will be of his liking.”23 To put it differently, this teaching means that even if outwardly unpleasant, a wife should not cause aversion, because God has not made anyone imperfect in all respects. All men and women, if deficient in some respects are gifted in other respects.
Once, a newly married man found when he brought his wife home that she was not gifted with feminine graces. Instead of having a slender figure she was stout like a man. He was put off by her not being slim as he would have liked. But events soon took a strange turn. Having met with an accident, he was not able to work hard. Now his stout wife decided to support her husband and worked hard to make money. Being sturdy, she succeeded in earning money as well as looking after the home. In this way the family suffered no setback. Now the husband realized that the woman he had taken as a curse was indeed a blessing in disguise. Although his wife was not gifted with slimness, she had been blessed with another quality which had proved so precious at his time of need.
It is this aspect of life which has been emphasized in the Quran in these words:
Take in marriage these women among you who are single and those of your male and female slaves who are virtuous. If they are poor, God will enrich them from His own abundance.24
There is a hadith to the same effect: ‘God Himself has taken charge of helping three types of person. Those who marry in their desire to preserve their chastity, and those slaves (mukatib) who want to be free by paying the money they owe to their masters, and those who want to fight in the cause of God.”25
BALANCED EDUCATION
When there are two parties in any undertaking, it is common for both parties to concentrate on their own personal gain. It is less common for each to think of the other’s good. In the latter case, one’s attention is fixed on one’s responsibilities, while in the former it is on one’s rights. The latter leads one to a higher moral plane while the former leads to evil.
When a man’s eyes are on his rights, he holds the other party responsible for everything. As a result, he is always in a frustrated state and wants to revenge himself on the other party. Failing to do his duty himself, he merely wants the other party to keep giving him all that is due to him.
Conversely, when one’s eyes are on one’s own responsibilities, one’s critical faculties are focussed on oneself. One is keen to know one’s own shortcomings. As a result, the psychology of self-reckoning is aroused, and one becomes serious-minded. All one’s strength is diverted from destruction to construction. Such action makes the other party serious too, so that he feels compelled to fulfill his responsibilities in like manner.
This is the Islamic way. If one party is weaker, Islam enjoins him to remain patient, while exhorting the other party, the stronger, to tread the path of justice and fair play.
The guidance of Islam regarding the relationship between husband and wife, is, in some respects, based on this principle. From the physiological standpoint, the woman is the weaker and the man the stronger party. That is why in its guidelines Islam keeps this difference in mind, so that more and more harmony and cooperation may build up between the two, and the task of home building may proceed smoothly and without any hindrance.
While Islam enjoins women to become obedient to their husbands, the Quran says that virtuous women are already obedient to their husbands.26 ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Abbas has interpreted this verse in these words: “women obedient to their husbands.”27
What is intended by making women obedient to their husbands is to cultivate in them the kind of fine temperament that will make them true partners to their husbands. This will result in a positive and constructive atmosphere at home rather than one of confrontation and discord. An obedient wife wins the heart of her husband and thus gains the upper hand. Hers is the highest place at home. A disobedient wife, on the contrary, keeps quarrelling with her husband so that her whole life in consequence is marred with bitterness.
So far as men are concerned, Islam aims at cultivating fair mindedness on all occasions. Being the maintainer of the house, the man should not lose sight of the fact that after death he will be faced with the greatest of the Lords and Masters. There he will not be able to justify himself for being hard to those who were under him in the world, while those who were kind to people under them will be given kind treatment by God. Here is a hadith to this effect, related by ‘Aishah: The Prophet said, “The best of you is one who is best for his family, and I am best of all of you for my family.”28
According to this hadith home is not a place for ruling, but a place for training. One who does well in the system of his home, will prove to be good for the whole of society and the nation. On the other hand, one who is bad for his home will be bad for the whole of society and the nation. The former is a blessing for the vaster humanity while the latter is a curse.
The rights of men and women, in reality, are not a matter of legal lists, but rather it is a matter of good living. The points or the lists mentioned here are not exhaustive. They are only pointers to what makes for a good life at home. In such matters one cannot make a complete list of “do’s and don’ts.”
Islam wants both the man and the woman to acknowledge natural realities. Both should keep their eyes on their responsibilities rather than on their rights. Both should attach real importance to the common goal (the proper maintenance of the family system) rather than on their own selves and should be ever willing to make any personal sacrifice aimed at this goal.
A good home is made by people of a good temperament. A good family can be brought into being by those men and women who have succeeded in cultivating an awareness within themselves. The secret of success in married life depends more on an awareness of ‘life’s realities’ than on any list of “do’s and don’ts.” Those who are aware of life’s realities will never be a failure, while those who do not know life’s realities will never meet with success in this world.
Notes
1. The Quran, 2: 87.
2. Abdullah Yusuf ‘Ali’s commentary of 2:187.
3. The Quran, 30:21.
4. The Quran, 4:24.
5. The Quran, 3:195.
6. The Quran, 4:34.
7. Bukhari, Sahih, Kitab ad-Diyat, (Fath al-Bari, 12/180).
8. The Quran, 4:4.
9. The Quran, 4:19.
10. The Quran, 4:3.
11. The Quran, 4:19.
12. Ibn Majah, Sunan, Kitab an-Nikah, 1/636.
13. The Quran, 4:34.
14. The Quran, 4:34.
15. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir, 1/492.
16. The Quran, 4:34.
17. The Quran, 33:33.
18. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir, 3/483.
19. Bukhari, Sahih, Kitab al-Jumu‘ah, (Fath al-Bari, 2/304).
20. An-Nasa’i, Sunan, Kitab an-Nikah, 6/68.
21. Ibn Majah, Sunan, Kitab an-Nikah, 1/596.
22. The Quran, 4:19.
23. Muslim, Sahih, Kitab ar-Rada‘, 2/1091.
24. The Quran, 24:32.
25. Ibn Majah, Sunan, Kitab al-‘Itq, 2/842.
26. The Quran, 4:34.
27. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir, 1/491.
28. Ibn Majah, Sunan, Kitab an-Nikah, 1/636.
