There are many people who are excellent at managing work. They are intelligent and successful. But, the same people are failures when it comes to managing relationships, whether it is with their parents, siblings, spouses or with their children. What is the reason for this failure? Why doesn’t their intelligence or qualification help them to manage their relationships wisely?
The answer to this lies in understanding and accepting that the skills required for healthy relationships are totally different from the skills required for success in work and learning. A person who works with the machines has to have two types of skills, one is about the machine and the other is about professional interaction with colleagues— managers and junior colleagues. Both are equally important. Whereas, developing and maintaining healthy relationships—both with family and in professional life—requires skills in the art of life management. The art of life management refers to two things—one is to understand oneself and the other is to be aware of the world around us.
Understanding oneself refers to knowing one's capabilities; and being aware of the world around us refers to knowing about human nature and the creation plan of God for humankind.
With this knowledge, one may plan one's life in a realistic manner and make improvements whenever and wherever required. To have successful relationships one should give precedence to using reason over emotions. Even in blood relationships, rational management is important. Rational management has to be cultivated through conscious efforts.
Every human being is endowed with certain uniqueness. This difference irself is not evil. There is great benefit hidden in it. Differences should be seen as representing different capabilities. If everyone had uniform capabilities they would be able to achieve little. Accepting others’ uniqueness as beneficial is the first skill in cultivating good human relationships.
At the very foundation of human life another basic skill to be continuously nurtured is the skill of living a purposeful life. Strange as it may sound, it is very important. Without a purpose, humankind will not have any motivation to avoid unnecessary conflicts with others. Purpose gives direction and a plan which includes maintaining good relationships with people who we deal with so that any unpleasantness with others does not become an obstacle to the achievement of one's goals.
Setbacks in relationships are often caused by "unnatural expectations", and these must be avoided. We have to pay the price of anything we seek in this world. For example: If you want to enjoy certain comforts, you have to work for it. If you want to make good use of a gadget, you have to pay in terms of doing whatever it calls for maintenance. This is the law of nature. Anyone who only wants something but is not ready to pay the price has an unnatural desire which will never be fulfilled.
Another unnatural desire common amongst people is to wish that they have or had a perfect spouse, perfect children, or a father like their friend has etc. Such thinking is unrealistic; no one is perfect or ideal. No one is an embodiment of all good qualities. It is a law of nature that if one has some particular good qualities, he will be lacking in others. It is the tendency of man to look at the negative aspects of people rather than their positive aspects. This is a destructive tendency which comes in the way of good relationships. However, if we focus more on the positive aspects rather than the negative ones, we can develop healthy relationships.
Try as we may, disagreements are bound to happen. These disagreements can sometimes escalate into serious discord. One should diffuse such situations. Anger being the major reason for relationships going sour, it should be quickly brought under control. Anger begets hatred and hatred eventually leads to evil. In any relationship ninety percent of the trouble starts due to anger.
Anger is a natural phenomenon. The only solution to anger is to control it. Anger in itself is not an evil. It is evil when one fails to control it and it spoils the lives of others. Uncontrolled anger leads to rage which is a temporary provocation and an undesirable reaction. It is like a fire which flares up for a short duration and then dies down on its own if it is given no further fuel. If people realized this, anger would not result in any serious disharmony.
The above understanding leads us to the question of how to control anger. The good news is that it can be done. The law of nature regarding anger is that it gets activated only for thirty seconds and if it is checked, it gets defused like a balloon. Therefore if a person checks his anger and does not allow it to flare up, the negative feeling will ebb away naturally, without there being any negative outcome.
It is necessary for both the parties involved to understand this natural law which can be termed as 'the 30 second formula’. The Creator has placed necessary safeguards within nature itself. The only thing we should do is to learn these things provided by nature and apply them in our lives. The way of nature is silent communication. Those who can understand this language of silence will be able to listen to the voice of nature and benefit from it.
Adopting "wait and watch" policy is another skill which can help us with our relationships. The policy of waiting refers to waiting for a better future: waiting for tomorrow to bring something we have not received today. This is undoubtedly a matter of great wisdom, as it is possible that you may receive tomorrow what you have not received today. People often make the mistake of desiring others to come up to their expectations immediately or instantly. They ignore the need for time. It is not possible in this world to find today what you are not destined to find until tomorrow. It is only after waiting that one receives what one is waiting for. This is another law of nature, and no law is greater in this world than the law of nature.
To sum up, one can say that to live in harmony with people one should adopt a realistic approach, look at things in a broad perspective, accept the uniqueness of each one including ours and understand human nature and most important of all live in accordance with it ourselves which means being 'complex free souls'.
